Lies in Apperance

In the few weeks before Spring Break, Dekalb and the surrounding counties experienced a bunch of rain. Now it is not very uncommon to see flooding towards the end of winter, or even sometimes in the fall.

Day after day, I drive past the hospital on my way home from school for lunch. The different paths I take to and from school did not see very much rain: I didn't have to look for large puddles on the side of the road, worry about hydro-planing, or slow down because of water covering the whole road, it was nice. The water we got stayed for a pretty decent amount of time, but I didn't really pay too much attention to it because of the fact that the flooding wasn't really around where I live or my routes. It wasn't until a week later, when driving past the hospital, I happened to glance over at the hospital. I did a double take, and even a triple take, when I noticed that pond out front wasn't there any more. After my third look, I realized that it was still there, it just was lower than the hill infront of it so I really had to look for it.
I had been fooled.
For the past week, I had been able to see the pond without actually looking towards it because it had been clearly visable. Even though I have lived in Auburn all my life, and have passed that pond almost every day for atleast 5 years, I had bought into the appearance the flooding had given it. I didn't even realize that it had been flooded until after it had already gone back to its normal state.

How often are we fooled like that in real life? Even if we have seen the real thing for years, a fake front for a short amount of time can fool us into forgetting how things really are. It gets even worse. Not only do we allow others to fool us with their fake fronts, we even fool ourselves. I mean, its silly that we put on fake fronts to begin with. . .but how silly is it that we fool ourselves with them?

That's just something I thought about a few weeks ago. And it took me a little while to get it written down, but there it is. I haven't yet decided if its finished, but its good enough to publish for now, and I can fix it later if I choose.

Uplifting Music

Now, I am certainly not one of those people who say that you can only listen to christian music. I mean, sure, I do agree that you have to be picky in what you listen to constantly, but just because it isn't "christian music" doesn't mean its evil. Anyways, I realized something that absolutely astounded me today. I have had an amazing, and constantly positive attitude lately. Thinking of what was different in my life this week than a few weeks ago, I realized that I have started listening to Pandora's Christian Rock station whenever I'm on the computer.
Even if I'm not completely listening to the music, praise songs get stuck in my head, and all day long I'm singing them to myself. Are these songs magic? Of course not! But listening to the certain style and genre I have been has really helped keep my focus on God. And it should come as little surprise that the more we are focussed on God, the more our own life keeps the intended rhythm (btw, I'm loving the series we're doing at dayspring chad! :D).
Needless to say, the small change in my music selections isn't going away anytime soon. I will still enjoy the other music I love, but simply adding more songs focussing on praising God into the mix.

Do Hard Things

Alright, so I am just now starting this amazing book entitled, you guessed it, Do Hard Things written by Alex and Brett Harris. I am incredibly excited by the message of this book. It is a book written by two 17 year old guys (now 20ish I think) about how to overcome our cultures low expectations for teens. These two christian guys are getting word out to teens across the world that we shouldn't allow those expectations to define us or our actions, that we should strive to do all that we can, no matter our age. I strongly encourage anyone out there to read this book, my only wish is that I could have read it earlier in my highschool career.

-Katie-

My Recent Thoughs on the Last Year (as seen on Facebook)

ever feel like you miss someone more than expected?
like there should have been more time before you went your seperate paths?

i have been thinking about thoses kinds of things a lot lately. in the result of my constant (sometimes annoying) thinking, i have come to a realization. i realized that i wasn't really missing the people that had come to mind. instead, i was truly missing how they had become a kind of security blanket for me. in those 4 or 5 relationships, i allowed myself to be ingnorant towards things or behaviors that really bothered me (now i'm not talking about just habits they had that annoyed me, i'm talking about things that truly were not o.k. with me).

back then, everything was "perfect." the more that my so-called "perfection" seemed threatened, the more i would stretch myself to make sure that everyone stayed happy. in my mind, if i kept everyone else happy, then by default, of course, i would also be happy. as you could imagine, harsh consequences ensued. along with the relational consequences (pushing a few away and losing what could have become close friends), my happiness was non-existant. changing myself so drastically for those people was never my brightest moment. behind my stretching and changing, i found that one of my personal fears was the true culprit. that fear is "if it's no longer 'perfect,' if i stop pleasing everyone, i will be left alone in the end." of course this is silly because i know that i can count on my friends to be there for me whenever i need you, even if i don't know it. (thanks guys!;))

my goal for my senior school year is to not allow myself to stretch so far as to the point of certain breaking again. of course i will still try to be flexible and help out whenever i can (because i love you guys and love to be able to help you out however i can), but now i will be reminding myself that i can not please everyone, and that's alright.

-katie-

New Year, New Friends, and New Experiences

It's finally my senior year, which of course brings about a bunch of different questions and thoughts. Last year I had no idea what I wanted to do after graduation, no idea what college, what major, or anything of that sort. I couldn't even picture myself deciding on those types of things. But right now, half way through my senior year, I seem to have all my future schooling figured out. I picked out a college (Indiana Weslyan), as well as a major (phsyc.), and I know where I want to end up after college (counselor). I even know who I'm going to room with.

So what exactly is wrong?

Here I am on New Years Eve realizing how many of my friends are truly friends, and not just people I talk to a lot. My friends from my highschool are mostly just people who I hang out with in school, we don't really share anything deep between us. My older friends from the local public highschool are mostly all faded away, relationships that never were really cultivated. Somewhere along the way, we all had different things that we had higher on the priority list. I still talk to a few of them, but we rarely get together. There is one friend who I've known for quite sometime. Her and I are like two peas in a pod. We have never fought about anything (besides joking around). But now she has a new guy in her life, and I haven't seen as much of her. (which won't hurt our friendship, it's one of those that I know if I didnt talk to her in like a month, we could get together and pick up right where we left off) Then I have the 3 or 4 friends that I used to be really close with, and I still hang out with every once in a while.

A few days ago I was really feeling discouraged, feeling left out. Which really started all of this thinking. It really is my fault that I haven't made many lasting connections. I look back and see a pattern, friendships starting, something else comes up, and they fall to the wayside. I can't go blaming other people for not being there as a close friend, when I haven't really included them deeper in my personal life. I never really initialized those important deep conversations. (ex. like what exactly we believe in, how we are really doing beneath the mask, what really is going on at home, what we're truly afraid of, and what we truly want.) I could sit here and point fingers at a ton of people who didn't make an effort in our friendship, but I know there are pleanty of people who could point the same finger back at me.

You'd be surprised at how lonely someone really is beneath their smiling face, crying out for more attatchments to the world. This year I've decided to actually make a resolution or two for the rest of my senior year. Are you ready for them?

1. Making more of an effort to stay connected and grow my already existing relationships
2. Sharing more of myself in those relationships
3. Reaching out to other people who are screaming out for a deeper connection, not letting them end up where I have.

In about 10 hours it will officially be 2009, and then 5 months will fly by and I will be walking up the stage to get my diploma. I know where I want to be when I shake Mr. Carmens hand, when I throw my cap in the air, and I am determined to accomplish those 3 goals.

Happy New Year everyone!
-katie

2 am

It really is quite difficult to sleep when I have so many thoughts running through my mind. It's as if my mind refuses to let go of its hope so it constantly replays old memories mixed with wishful thinking for the future. All of this thought was inspired by a movie. Well, more like one moment. That was all it took, and the memories started pouring back. One mental picture from the past leads to another and another as if there is no end. It has been over an hour, yet I still follow the trail of thought. It seems I have turned to dreaming when awake instead of asleep. How can any good come from this?

Just when I thought I could get it out of my head, it returns in a heartbeat, torturing my mind. The sad part is I am almost to my end, I seem to have tried all that I can, but the outcome does not change. I am easily discouraged and have been many times this week alone. Where is all of my efforts going? Do they have any affect at all? If so, then what? Could I have done anything differently? Why do I feel solely responsible? When will my side be heard? When does what I went through get to count too? What went wrong?

Too many questions to answer at 2 am in the morning.